DELVE 33, third dimension

I dreamt again last night that      I lived in an apartment,
finally free of someone      from my past who frightened me,
someone the dream doesn’t want      me to name or recognize.
The apartment is small but      has wide windows where I see
hummingbirds flitting near to      a bird-feeder. My heart wears
their wings. I gather courage.     Trying to remember who
had panicked me, I’m talking      to myself the way I do
in waking-life, saying that      I have to, I have to… In
the dream, each “have to” becomes      a growl, each sound sharpens its
teeth. The hummingbirds shiver,      fly away. I wake into
a loneliness I know well.      In Yi-Fu Tuan’s Space and Place,
he tells us that, though we’re      living in the present, we
may not really know who or      where we are, instead we’re in
undifferentiated      space, with no clarity of
who we can become. Some live      their whole lives there. Yet the least      
surprise can illuminate      a new direction to find.
I get up, get dressed, and look      into my bathroom mirror.
I realize the person      who has frightened me is this
ever-shifting self I am.      Not trusting this self, how can
I make choices? For years, I’ve      repeated “I have to…” Here
is a chance to choose to say,      “I have.”  And let the sense of
“having” be where I will find      all of the selves that I am.

undifferentiated      space, neither who we were nor

may not really know who or      where we are,
may not recognize who we      are, caught as we might be in

Rusty Morrison has been the co-founder, co-publisher of Omnidawn (www.omnidawn.com) since 2001. Her latest book, RISK, was published by Black Ocean in 2024. Her other books: After Urgency (won Tupelo’s Dorset Prize); the true keeps calm biding its story (won Ahsahta’s Sawtooth Prize, James Laughlin Award, N.California Book Award, & DiCastagnola Award); Beyond the Chainlink (Ahsahta) was a finalist for the NCIB Award & NCB Award; Book of the Given (Noemi Press). She is a recipient of fellowships from UC Berkeley’s Arts and Research Center , Civitella Ranieri, Djerassi, and other artist residencies. She teaches workshops through Omnidawn and offers private consultations. For more info, see her website: www.rustymorrison.com